Ok, but like, how married are you?
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People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
Nomnomnomnom
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.