@ashgrash

Ok, but like, how married are you?

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@smarick

IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE

@BMcCarthy32

if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?

@donni

Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.

@mzyvonne7

I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday

@sarcasticmommy4

I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.

@pleatedjeans

Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people

@ThisOneSayz

*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*

Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?

@Alex_N_Chains

Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.

@Maxine12333

You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.