My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
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Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.