[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
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My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
Every time I start typing in “linkedin” on one of my browsers I just hit enter when it auto-fills and I always end up accidentally viewing the profile of some random person whose profile I once reviewed.
This guy is probably like “why is she so obsessed with me”
Being a baby must be scary, imagine sleeping at home & you wake up at TJMAXX
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.