[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
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Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Fries, not lies.
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂