Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
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Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*