Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
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I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?