Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
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Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?