I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
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*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
Is fake venison called venisn’t
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.