[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
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[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
When life hands you women, make women laid.
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
Discuss
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.