People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
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*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
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Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.