Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me

I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty

*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?

“they call me the butcher”

oh yea? why’s that, butch?

*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”

Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes

Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.

Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.

I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.

The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.

I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.

ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy

SATAN: holy shit

If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer

Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.

Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭

I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never

my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”

i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool

I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.

First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute

10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH

My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?

Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.

“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.

The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.

Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme

My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half

Hell hath no fury like a woman.

Oh? That’s not the entire expression?

Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.

If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.

I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…

Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”

Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.

I know this now.

I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.

Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.