People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
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I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
lmao
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
How actors in movies eat their food