I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
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When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
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Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are