Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
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Checkmate, Flat Earthers
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
*skinny dips into black hole
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”