inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
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My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
Bike for sale
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I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.