inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
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Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
When I snag the last meatball.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking