time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
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Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
How animals would run if they were human
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying