Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.

There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.

So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.

[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this

I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.

Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.

5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.

Me: So?

5-year-old: My life is falling apart.

It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.

[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.

When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.

#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second

I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?

[first day being homeless]

What thread count are these newspapers?

Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?

J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]

From my Mom

me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner

telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back

Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?

Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.

The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.

These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich

Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.

My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass

I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”

Well played, well played!

My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.

Um … Hot Wings please

I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.

why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford

After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.

be careful

The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.

Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”

[1st date]

Him: We share perfect chemistry!

Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*