Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
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I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
These are too funny not to post 😂