Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
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*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card