Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
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@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*