going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
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[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.