My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
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[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.