[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
You Might Also Like
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
The Sun
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
You got this…
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool