Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
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I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!