“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
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Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.