“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!![]()
You Might Also Like
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
That seems a conundrum…
🤔![]()
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
No one warned me how funny it would be when my 3yo started using specific buzzwords to target my weaknesses. “Mommy, we should buy this. It is ON SALE. And it is HEALTHY FOR LITTLE CHILDREN.”
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
Same pineapple, same
![]()
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
![]()
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.