Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
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The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.