Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
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Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)