I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
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CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team