Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
You Might Also Like
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
How to draw a duck
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
it’s the silliest best thing
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.