*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
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I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
Give a baker flours on your first date.
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
marvel comics have peaked
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument