Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
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I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
Just me?
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
This makes total sense…
