Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.

Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”

Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.

Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving

I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.

It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.

I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.

James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”

1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.

Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.

There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.

I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…

I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”

So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.

Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation

People at work: you’re hilarious,man

Family: you’re really funny

Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know

Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job

Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.

Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.

Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail

“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”

I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.

Kitchen Rule No 1.

Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.

Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.

A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless

Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.

What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?

DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV

ROMAN: What?!

DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?

ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?

I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?

How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?

Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS

Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to

I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!

Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.

if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost