Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
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The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?