I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
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Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
U talkin 2 me?
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation