*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
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Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
Teamwork makes the dream work.
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*