My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
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me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
Lmao 🤣
3% human
97% stress
Thursday
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u