me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
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Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
This pepper has seen some shit
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*