Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
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18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
Beware of the dog..
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
who called it hell and not heaven’t
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.