[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
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[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
damn he’s good
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!