Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
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Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this