I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
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My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*