Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
馃摲: elevasseur
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someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she鈥檚 gone completely insane RUN!!
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
With this onion ring, I thee fed
Me: When鈥檚 your break today?
Him: Not sure. I鈥檒l send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he鈥檚 ready for lunch
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I鈥檓 just getting interested in crime
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
Me: what鈥檚 your job
Them: I鈥檓 a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.