me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
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Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.