haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
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If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.