walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
You Might Also Like
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg