eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
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when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
Never mess with a drunken pig.
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
Employees must applaud the planets.
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader