Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
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me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
i love modern commerce
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.