Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
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*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists