I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
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Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
buys donuts instead
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.