“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
You Might Also Like
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
A dad and his duck
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.