my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
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If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
Did my cat write this
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.