If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
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My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
Dead sexy!!
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?