Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
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*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.