The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
You Might Also Like
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.