Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
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no their not
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
This fish is cracking me up
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture